Thinking back, November 5, 2008, was a strange morning in America. A nation awoke, hungover, unsure of who it had gone to bed with the night before. Obama bagged Virginia early. Things were clearly on track as Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota all fell blue one by one. But events moved to a different beat in the rust belt. Ohio was tight the broadcasters repeated. Then, Pennsylvania went red. The world fell silent. How did this happen? Joe the Plumber was interviewed on Fox: “Americans are clearly rejecting this Islamo-socialist coup.” The hosts agreed.
His own state of Ohio followed suit shortly thereafter. So too did Indiana and West Virginia. Then Florida fell to the Republican hordes. There was a brief fight back in the Traheel State. But the joy was ephemeral. Iowa and Missouri fell in unison. Now the battle lines were clearly drawn. Three states remained, it was approaching early morning. The Republicans had 260 votes; the Democrats 259. New Mexico sided with the valiant Obama. Yet, Nevada fell to McCain. Civilization now rested on Colorado’s shoulders. Obama’s troops prayed. Remember the Greek columns Denver. Remember. Time slowed to a standstill. The fateful words were uttered: “NBC projects Colorado for McCain/Palin. John McCain will be the 44th president of the United States.” But strangely, they were wrong.
Thereafter, events moved at a fast pace.
Inauguration day came as a shock. President McCain’s infamous first act: resigning the presidency in favour of his running mate. “It’s what the base wants,” he kept repeating. Palin, now president, appointed McCain as her deputy in a move that had constitutional scholars crying foul. “We’re not gonna listen to the mainstream gotcha legal media,” the president said.
Vice President McCain returned to his arena. In a foreboding speech, he informed the US Senate, “my friends, I built this chamber with my bare hands... the president has informed me that the duty of the vice president is to control the flow of legislation in Congress, and I will not disappoint our beloved executive.” McCain’s first act was to introduce legislation conferring citizenship on all residents of Georgia. Congress demurred, but the president just issued an executive order. “Things are gonna be different around here,” Governor Saakashvilli said after he recited the Pledge of Allegiance. The Kremlin protested this move and announced its intention to re-annex Alaska, the Russian Valley area of California, and half of Canada. However, in the Battle of the Bering Straits the Russians were defeated by the US military’s new elite snowmachine unit. With victory assured, the president ordered the nuclear bombing of Moscow for good measure. Questioning this move was subsequently made an act of sedition.
With US power firmly established, President Palin announced some major “structural changes” would be forthcoming. The populace was clueless, but the blanks were soon filled in. The president was to become known as the Supreme Executive President, and the Vice President would be known as the Deputy Maverick. The United States Congress was to be disbanded forthwith. Speaker Pelosi protested, but was swiftly told that fake Americans did not have the right to petition their government. The US Supreme Court was abolished – they hadn’t done anything notable anyway, the president said. It was replaced by a collection of appointees, not subject to ratification. The US Dept of Corrections was ordered to adopt Guantanamo Bay as the paradigm of incarceration. Reading detainees their rights was no longer a requirement, the mavericks decreed.
Secretary of State Bolton also announced certain changes to State’s mandate. Firstly, so as not to confuse priorities, the headquarters of the State Department would be transferred to Jerusalem. He also declared, with the president’s full confidence, that second guessing Israel would be regarded as weak vacillation that runs counter to American interests, and would be grounds for dismissal from the US Foreign Service. Secondly, that foreign service was to undergo massive cuts, as 70% of American embassies and consulates would be closed. Diplomacy was not an arm of US power, the secretary said.
Not long afterwards, President Palin announced US intentions to withdraw from the United Nations. The UN was allowed to maintain its headquarters in New York, because as the president pointed out, that’s not really America anyway.
The mainstream media suffered an unscrupulous purge. This was perhaps best symbolized by the nailing of Katie Couric to the top of the Jefferson Memorial, but the cold reality was that by January 2010 there were only ten newspapers remaining in America. In a seamless transition, the Wall Street Journal and Fox News became the official mouthpieces of the state.
February of that year was fairly quiet, the only major public announcements coming from the president – decreeing that the capital was being moved from Washington DC to Juneau, Alaska – and Supreme State Prosecutor Rove who decided to review the status of all “Americans” who voted for Obama.
Vice President McCain then announced the successful creation of The League of Democracies. In a stirring address he said the US, Georgia, Columbia, and Israel would now lead the free world out of the stupor it finds itself in.
That summer SSP Rove appeared on Fox News to signal to government’s intention to adopt the Rove Electoral Map as the actual map of the United States. The red areas were to be considered the United States of America. The blue areas would be known as Anti-America. Its citizens would be subject to higher taxes – “since that’s what they want” – and travel restrictions. The White House – now named after the fact that it’s covered in snow all year long – also imposed a levy on Rhode Island for being the only state in the union not either drilling for oil or exploring hard enough to find it. White House Press Secretary Hannity said the president was unable to comment on the move as she was air raiding wolf dens in Montana – the species now being extinct from Alaska.
In October the cabinet held an emergency meeting led by McCain to discuss the need to do more to meet the threat posed by the swathe of countries “that don’t like us very much.” Not long after, the US declared war on Iran, Venezuela, Cuba, North Korea, Syria, and France.
Canada was also annexed because the latest census figures showed more US citizens actually lived there than Canadian citizens as a result of a massive exodus in 2009. Though there was very little resistance shown, Ottawa was carpet bombed just in case. However, Viceroy Harper was said to be ecstatic with the new arrangement.
In the ill-fated daily’s last move, the Anchorage Daily News leaked that President Palin was said to be unhappy with McCain’s complicated “war-games” and ordered the nuking of Teheran, Caracas, and Pyongyang. France surrendered just in time. The following morning the New York Post ran with the headline “gotcha”, accompanied by a picture of a mushroom.
The end of year review painted a bleak picture of the US economy as trade was down over 200%, and the country had just endured its tenth quarter of negative growth. Even Wal-Mart, the government subsidised procurement service, was alleged to be struggling through this time of austerity.
Nevertheless, the president delivered an impassioned state of the union written by her senior aide William Kristol. The speech was entitled “Isn’t government so much more efficient, you know, now that we don’t have mid-terms”. She effortlessly tapered over the hardships facing America and touted her administration’s successes, such as the completion of the Baghdad-Miami bridge/pipeline. “You’re not nowhere to me, (and thanks for the oil),” she told the Mesopotamians on a state visit.
Upon conclusion of the address, the President left the country and travelled to New York City to lay a tombstone where the Wall Street bull had once proudly stood in a move symbolizing the death of the American financial system. President Palin was strangely gleeful, and all too eager to point out that she was ready to engage in foreign travel, like she was doing at that moment.
Throughout the course of 2011 the economy suffered so drastically the White House was forced to act. The federal government decided to sell all the Washington DC monuments on E-Bay, so as to generate capital to inject into the ailing economy. Nevertheless, economists were sceptical of the move.
Immigration to Mexico had become so intense by summer 2011 the Mexican government, following intense debate, concluded it had no option but to build a wall along the US border. Ambassador Limbaugh laughed off the move and called it “mutually beneficial.” He added, “we wanted the wall, they have the cheap labor to build it.”
In an effort to streamline government, and further reduce pork, the administration decided to merge the Department of Defense with the Department of State considering their mandates were one of the same thing. Thus, Secretary Schwarzenegger became Secretary Bolton’s deputy. The two men then departed on a “show of intent” tour of Europe, where they made a particularly controversial stop in postwar Paris. However, Bill O’Reilly, the US Ambassador to France, was delighted to receive the two men at the new US Embassy in Versailles.
Secretary for Commerce, Joe Plumber, delivered the end of year review in 2011, and quietly brushed over the fact that foreign trade was now virtually non-existent. He touted the incredible growth in pig iron production as an unequivocal success. He dismissed reports that China’s economy was now five times larger than America’s, as “a deliberate attempt by the liberal media to subvert the country we love into pursuing a socialistic path.” When asked by a foreign journalist what he planned to do to re-ignite the economy he said, “I ask the questions around here.” The man was subsequently shot.
Early in 2012 Mayor Obama announced his second candidacy for president of the United States, pending approval by the president, who mercifully, and certain of victory, obliged. However, his bid was subject to certain limitations such as the incapacitating rule that he had to raise $1 trillion to offset the damages the 2008 bailout and his fundraising in that year did to American democracy. Bizarrely, Obama raised the money in a week. Deputy Maverick McCain dismissed this notion as ludicrous. He saw subversion at work too. “The American people are not going to be cheated out of destiny by this deliberate attempt by Obama and his ACORN comrades to beguile the Democratic process,” he said at a campaign stop in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.
Nevertheless, Obama continued to confound all odds. By June he had raised a war-chest larger than the US economy.
The president turned down the request by the Obama campaign to engage in three debates as had been customary. “I’m not gonna be fooled out of the hard business of being an executive by, you know, pretty words,” Mrs Palin said.
Obama said in a statement: “this is but the latest entry to the litany of vacuous attempts by the administration to besmirch my honor and deny me my birthright.”
The president shrugged this off at a G4 summit. “Obama,” she said, “sees our world as imperfect enough to pal around with terrorists.” The present world leaders and the Canadian viceroy all agreed. Prime Minister in exile of Australia, John Howard, weighed in saying a vote for Obama “would be a vote for Osama [the President of the Islamic Republic of Afghan-i-Pakistan].”
Meanwhile, Obama continued to draw millions to his campaign rallies. “They’re trying to bamboozle you into seeing me as foreign,” he said. His audience chanted “no they can’t” in response.
Obama’s grandiloquence reached it’s zenith when he delivered his convention speech in Richmond, VA, from the peak of a manmade pyramid draped in the attire of Ramses the Great. A crowd of one million strong had come to worship.
Sensing an Obama surge in the polls, Palin and McCain, took the decision to run against themselves, the strategy clearly having been successful last time. They were, they assured the American people, the only viable option to bring real change to Juneau.
President-Mentor Bush worked the campaign trail tirelessly.
They all said Obama had only eloquence to offer. He had no real plans to secure America from the threat posed by the nation of Afghan-i-Pakistan which was was consuming more of India daily. What would he do about Iran, which now had more nuclear weapons than Russia? He had, they maintained, no ideas about how to build on their immense successes with the iron and tin industry. He couldn’t be trusted they said. He doesn’t appreciate small town values, Americans were reminded.
And thereupon, Americans found themselves faced with two distinct visions of what next for the country, as a familiar tale was told again.
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